Pakleni Islands

Three blokes with a history of accidents on the water taking a cool box full of beers on a boat to go island hopping off Hvar. What could possibly go wrong?

Before I start describing our embarrassing day out, a little detail about our location. Hvar is a stunning island not far from Split, popular with an eclectic mix of backpackers and super rich yacht owners. It attracts people from all over the world during the summer months, and I have been addicted to the place from the very first moment I came here two years ago. Off the coast of Hvar Town are a stunning archipelago of islands - the Paklenis - that people tend to head to during the day, and this is where we were going exploring on our hired boat.

Matt and I had hired a boat out here last year, and all of us were looking forward to a day out on the water in the sunshine surrounded by some of the most wonderful surroundings you can find anywhere in the world.

I took us out of the harbour and round the coast of the island of Jerolim, which is famous for having a nudist/hippie beach. As is often the case, the people who had chosen to take their clothes off were the ones you would have hoped and prayed to keep them on, so we didn't stay to look around for too long. From Jerolim we headed across to Stipanska, which is infamous for being the home of the hugely popular Carpe Diem nightclub, with little or nothing else on the island. We then stopped just off the coast of the more family orientated Zdrilca, where the first fuck up of the day occurred...

The clear blue water in Croatia is an alluring sight, and so I fully understand why Rosh was very keen to jump off the side of the boat and into it. Unfortunately, in his haste to do so he had forgotten to remove his phone and wallet from his short pockets, and so there then followed some frantic scenes as he tried to get both back to me on board the boat. Luckily the money in his wallet dried out and the phone was water resistant.

With our supplies of beer in the cool box already dwindling, I swam ashore to buy more from a beach side restaurant. Having ordered four large bottles from a friendly young chap working there, I was just waiting to hand over the money when we were spotted by the restaurant owner. He marched over to me and Matt as if we had been caught taking a dump in the corner, and demanded to know what we were doing in his establishment. Having explained that we were just buying some beer to take away, he launched into a rant that made virtually everyone in the restaurant look up.

'You cannot come in here straight from the sea with no shirts on and stand where you are standing. It is an issue of morality. You must leave.'
'Well if someone here will take my money, we'll happily leave.'

It must have been the first time in my life I had paid to be thrown out of somewhere. And if our outrageous act of walking into a beach bar in swimming shorts had been so immoral, nobody had really noticed until his intervention and another waiter - who I assume was his son - had been perfectly happy to serve us.

After taking our beers onto the boat, Rosh decided to drive us out of Zdrilca. With scores of other boats moored up in the vicinity, it probably wasn't the best place for him to have his first go of being in control of the vessel. Driving a small boat like the one we were hiring is relatively straightforward, but it does take time to get a feel for it and to master the art of mooring up without making a tit of yourself. Rosh's first attempt ended with us going in completely the wrong direction and getting grounded on the shore - much to the amusement of everyone watching. After Matt pushed us away from the beach with no harm having been done, I took the controls and led us out without further incident. For now...

As we headed out to the sea and towards the island of Palmizana, there was a loud crash. Rosh had spilled the contents of one of the large bottles of beer over the floor of the boat. A couple of moments later there was another thud. Matt had dropped a second bottle. 'Can't you muppets even hold on to your beers?' I dismissively asked.

We arrived at wonderful Palmizana and debated whether to drop our anchor and swim in, or moor the boat closer to the shore. Rosh was reluctant to take us in with there being so many other boats and swimmers in the vicinity, but said he was happy for me to try. Feeling reasonably confident after an incident-free day in control of the boat, I took us in. This is where our naïvety started to shine through. Thinking that we just needed to tie the boat to some rocks in such serene and calm water, we neglected to drop the anchor. So as Matt and Rosh tried to tie us to the rocks using knots they probably hadn't attempted in years, a barman from the beach side Laginini Bar came rushing out after seeing how much we were blatantly cocking this up.

'You must not do it this way. It is useless and you will damage your boat. I will show you how.'

He jumped on board, and with what seemed like embarrassing ease took the boat back 10 yards slowly, dropped the anchor and then tied us to a boat the bar owned. The hard bit should now have been completed. Unfortunately getting off was to prove even more difficult for yours truly. Trying to clamber off three different boats to get to the shore, I slipped and fell between two, dropping into the sea in the process. Cue hysterical laughter from the barman and pretty much everyone else who witnessed my ineptitude.

Rosh tipped the barman 50 kuna - roughly a fiver - and we went inside the bar. Laginini is my favourite bar in the world. I must have visited 10 times in the last two years - more than a lot of pubs I frequent in London. The view is spectacular, the cocktails are amazing and the music is always good. There is nothing to dislike about it. I said to Matt and Rosh after all the money I'd spent on Mai Tais in this establishment, I probably had earned a helping hand getting out of the sea.

After a couple of cocktails, we decided to head to the boat and go back to Hvar to ensure we returned before dark. Surely I couldn't possibly repeat my earlier humiliation and fall in again? I'm afraid to say I could - indeed I fell in deeper this time. For the second time in two hours, the barman helped fish me out of the water laughing his head off so much I think I'd actually made his day. 'Twice! Twice!' he giggled hysterically.

With me being drenched, Matt took us out of the harbour. We were making our way out, and I was looking forward to being out of sight, when people on other boats started shouting and gesturing at us frantically. We hadn't pulled our anchor up and the rope from it was getting caught under other boats. After rectifying that oversight, it was something of a relief to leave Palmizana. As we headed back to Hvar, I excelled myself by spilling two beers - not long after berating the others for doing precisely the same thing.

We got to Hvar without any further incident. It had certainly been a memorable day. And what could possibly go wrong?